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Further to this mouse-dispatching tip: Be sure not to tie the binbag before dropping the heavy object on it. I thought this might save a little time and minimize even further the possibility of gore and general unpleasantness.

On this occasion the Angel of Death was a whopping great Salvador Dali collection in hardback, even heavier than the Quran. Salvo stared up at me haughtily as the book fell from my hands and landed on the binbag, which promptly split open with an impressive bang. I watched aghast as the smaller plastic bag containing my latest victim shot across the room. I'm hoping the shock of the noise and his impromptu land-speed record attempt were enough to give him a heart attack on the spot.

I'm beginning to think it would be less distressing all round not to kill them at all, but maybe instead—as someone once drunkenly suggested—I could keep them all alive and feed them, and use them as chess pieces.

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