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Holy shit

If you want to know how we began
The clues are in Genesis, man!
There was nothing at first
Till the universe burst
On infinity, as God’s plan.

From nothing, God made the whole lot,
Put heaven and earth on the spot.
He made grass and fruit,
Sun and moon—it’s a hoot!
With birds, fish and insects. That’s what!

Is your heart sinking yet? Let me confirm your fears: this is the entirety of the Bible paraphrased in 1,001 tortuous limericks.

GENESIS 9:18-28
Lived rather a long time, did Noah.
He had only three sons, not four.
Shem, and brother Ham
And then Japeth. Yes, Ma’am!
These ones were his family. Oh coo er!

Sticking doggedly to its task, the book creaks, clunks and shudders through even the lesser known books:

1 KINGS 14:1-20
King Jerry1 persuaded his wife
To disguise herself, for the life
Of Abijah now
Was in peril, but wow!
Despite intrigue, son died. Such strife!

1 Jeroboam

Sometimes the need to compress lengthy exchanges into a limited-syllable five-line structure becomes a little too much for our intrepid poet:

MARK 8:28-29
“Who do men suggest that I am?”
Asked Jesus. “Elijah? P’haps John?
A prophet?” “No way!”

Blurted Peter—“I say
That you are THE Christ!—yes Sir!”

Even in comparison with other notable attempts to colloquialise the Bible to make it look fun and approachable, this book really honks.

JOHN 19:16
They took Jesus out to the cross.
His title, “King of Jews”. No loss
Felt by Pontius Pilate.
Rage turned red to violet—
The crowd screamed, “He’s never our boss!”

JOHN 19:23-25
For his garments soldiers cast lots,
His coat alone must have cost pots!
Then they raised him aloft
On the cross, nails in soft
Flesh. Victim of dastardly plots!

JOHN 20:1-3
To locked Upper Room Mary ran
And banged on the door. “If you can
Believe it,”
—took breath—
“The Lord’s risen from death!
Come look, Peter! John, you’ll see, man!”

Meanwhile, here's the cover of a 1994 edition of the King James Version packaged for Buffy fans:

(I can vouch that this edition exists because I couldn’t resist picking it up for the almost no money that the remaindered bookshop was inexplicably asking for it.)



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 23rd, 2009 01:13 pm (UTC)
It was a great day when Jesus rose from the death.
Feb. 23rd, 2009 01:31 pm (UTC)
What more can I say but John 11:35?
Feb. 23rd, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
The computer-generated man on the right appears to be wondering what it might profit a man if he gains the whole (volcanic) world but loses his pants.
Feb. 23rd, 2009 04:31 pm (UTC)
Can you get similar secular versions of the Koran? I bet you can't, and do you know why? Because they have higher standards, that's why. And they're scarier.

Concept for a Channel 4 Christmas show:

Shariah! The Musical (or Kill the West Side Story), featuring:

Shariah, I've just killed a man with Shariah
Let's all shout "death to America"

Commission x 6
Feb. 23rd, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)
[Woman clad entirely in burqa]

#I feel pretty
Oh so pretty
I feel pretty
And witty
And GAY#

[Is stoned to death]
Feb. 23rd, 2009 06:48 pm (UTC)
Right on cue, there's a teacher on the BBC London news right now who's translated the Bible into cokney rhyming slang. The woman from the Campaign For Real Education doesn't approve.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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