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A couple of months ago, during particularly foul weather, I was battling across Westminster Bridge using my umbrella more as a shield, and consequently never saw the enormous puddle that was burst by a passing lorry and migrated entirely on to me. My top half was saved by the brolly, but it looked as if I'd jumped waist-deep into a swimming pool. It took me a fair bit of the day, and a remarkable amount of cursing, to dry off.

On Monday, thanks to a leaking water main, a narrow pavement and a spiteful bus, a similar thing happened. This time, though, I was quite grateful: it really was as refreshing on a hot summer's day as lame soft-drink adverts make out. Plus I'd dried out by the time I'd walked to work, and this time wasn't sat at my desk gently steaming.

Yesterday, though: officially Too Hot. What is it with this whole "sun" thing anyway? Surely there's a better way to provide light and heat to the entire planet.

Was woken at about 3.30am by the sheer airlessness of it all. Gave up on valiant rearguard action against consciousness at 5am and went to my local shop, which recently went 24-hour, to stock up on cold drinks. Discovered that it was a damn sight cooler outside, but the breeze was blowing in just the wrong direction for any of it to permeate my flat. If I'd had a garden, or indeed a workmen's cradle hanging outside my window, I'd have happily spent the rest of the night out in, or on, that. As it was I spent two hours slumped in front of breakfast TV, which confronts the sleep-deprived consumer with two basic options: cartoons or WAR. Worn out by both, I eventually stumbled back to bed and caught up on a couple hours' sleep. Thank God I don't usually have to be in work before midday, eh?

Comments

( 32 comments — Leave a comment )
egremont
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:01 pm (UTC)
My top half was saved by the brolly, but it looked as if I'd jumped waist-deep into a swimming pool. It took me a fair bit of the day, and a remarkable amount of cursing, to dry off.

You weren't en route to Gloucester, were you?
webofevil
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:35 pm (UTC)
Yes, and I shall not henceforth be travelling anywhere near the region.
ex_cornfedpi814
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:04 pm (UTC)
It's a surprise that you were in bed before 5am anyway.
webofevil
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:34 pm (UTC)
Yes mum.
(no subject) - ex_cornfedpi814 - Jul. 20th, 2006 02:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
webofevil
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:46 pm (UTC)
It is my unfortunate duty to have to inform you that this is actually quite amusing. Typhoon swirling all around you, livestock and entire blocks of Arctic ice being flung past your window, all the while with you sat there fuming and having to fan yourself with a copy of Le Soir.
strictlytrue
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:39 pm (UTC)

What is it with this whole "sun" thing anyway?

strictlytrue: Your questions answered.
webofevil
Jul. 20th, 2006 02:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you, sir. Thanks to the sterling work in the past of cornfedpig, I am fully familiar with this song. I recommend TMBG's manic live rendition in particular.

You, however, were one of the people I immediately thought of who might be able to devise some kind of alternatve to the sun; the other being, naturally, cornfedpig again, whose sinister Miles Institute I believe has already chalked up some research on the topic of unnecessarily dangerous space-based energy solutions.

I expect a report from each of you on the topic on my desk by Monday.
strictlytrue
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:23 pm (UTC)
I've got the TMBG one somewhere - I was just particularly impressed by the rather flatulent MIDI file embedded in the link above.

Alternatives to the sun, eh? Finally, there seems to be some truth in Monty Burns' assertion that
Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.
Apparently, that man is now you.
(no subject) - webofevil - Jul. 20th, 2006 03:36 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - webofevil - Jul. 20th, 2006 06:50 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ex_cornfedpi814 - Jul. 20th, 2006 07:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
ex_cornfedpi814
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:59 pm (UTC)
The Miles Institute Reports
The Miles Institute - Earth's Saviour

The Sun has bombarded the Earth with a combination of light and radiation for the past 10 billion years, which scientists now realise is the interstellar equivalent of your neighbour putting their radio on in their garden - it may be nice sometimes, but you didn't ask for it and now it's playing Maria Carey at you.

Although this self-branded Sun shine has proved useful up until now, recent studies have shown that the Sun is now responsible for the Earth getting quite hot. A global alliance of scientific leaders have been brought together under the guise of the Miles Institute to understand how the Sun can be reined in, and are now proud to unveil their proposals.

Proposal #1 - Operation Big Blanket

The first proposal is for a large blanket to be knitted, using the entire wool content of the earth, and wrapped around the planet at a height of 50,000 feet. Flaps will be left in the blanket to allow space travel.

Pros:
- will prevent harmful Sun light from hitting Earth
- blanket will keep Earth nice and cosy

Cons:
- wool not renowned for radiation proofing qualities
- Earth would be quite dark
- population of Earth who are allergic to wool may die
- wool shield may attract intergalactic bed bugs
- problematic to wash
- possible conflicts over choice of colour

Proposal #2 - Operation Glitter

Assemble a huge array of speaker equipment and play Maria Carey albums towards the Sun until it gets the hint and stops emitting radiation.

STOP PRESS: THIS PROPOSAL CANCELLED.

Proposal #3 - Operation Lead

As per proposal #1, but with lead replacing wool.

Pros:
- shields Earth from harmful radiation and Sun light

Cons:
- not as warm as wool
- Earth would be very, very dark
- would require armies of highly trained panel beaters
- not enough lead on Earth

Proposal #4 - Operation ASBO

All the resources of Earth will be used to contact the Sun and ask it to turn the light and radiation emissions off, or at least down a bit.

Pros:
- solves all light and radiation problems in one fell swoop

Cons:
- unsure of how to contact Sun, or what language it may use
- Sun may say no, or may result in fight
- would have to tell next occupants of Earth about problem neighbour before sale

Conclusion

These proposals will be put forward to the United Nations for a vote. The two top proposals will then be subjected to rigorous testing once our fee has been agreed.

Please note the The Miles Institute takes no responsibility for the continuation of life on Earth as we know it. All proposals correct at time of going to press.

Re: The Miles Institute Reports - smileyfish - Jul. 20th, 2006 11:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: The Miles Institute Reports - ex_cornfedpi814 - Jul. 21st, 2006 07:38 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: The Miles Institute Reports - webofevil - Aug. 7th, 2006 11:13 am (UTC) - Expand
chiller
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:03 pm (UTC)
You, sir, need to employ my brilliant ice-pack invention, post-haste.

Although at 5am it will make you make those noises.
webofevil
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:20 pm (UTC)
> those noises

"OH! MY! GOD! Ngngngngngnhhhhhaaaahhhh. Hhhh. h."

Anything that can make me make those noises at 5am is surely worth investigating.
chiller
Jul. 20th, 2006 03:42 pm (UTC)
The inventrix admits no responsibility if the sound that actually emerges is a girlish scream, obv.
(no subject) - webofevil - Jul. 20th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - chiller - Jul. 20th, 2006 03:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ex_cornfedpi814 - Jul. 20th, 2006 04:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - webofevil - Jul. 20th, 2006 04:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ex_cornfedpi814 - Jul. 20th, 2006 04:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - webofevil - Jul. 20th, 2006 04:25 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - ex_cornfedpi814 - Jul. 20th, 2006 04:32 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - strictlytrue - Jul. 20th, 2006 05:13 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - webofevil - Jul. 20th, 2006 06:43 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pvcdiva - Jul. 20th, 2006 11:04 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - chiller - Jul. 20th, 2006 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Anonymous)
Jul. 25th, 2006 04:37 pm (UTC)
Can you not get a workman's cradle anyway just for the summer? Put it out back of your bedroom window. Could tell the council that you're having your sash windows looked at?
webofevil
Aug. 4th, 2006 01:17 pm (UTC)
I'd be more concerned about having to explain it to the armed policemen guarding the politician's house over the way.
( 32 comments — Leave a comment )

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