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May. 2nd, 2006



Saturday night, strictlytrue, nudejournal, burlapfuton and I are waiting for a bus outside the KFC in Brixton. A toothless, barely coherent old rasta tramp joins us and starts being “hilarious”. “Shall I kill him?” he asks, putting his arm around nudejournal's shoulder. "Shall I kill him or kiss him? Heh heh heh,” he says, seeing our expressions, “I'm just kidding. I'm not going to kill anyone.” He's so out of his mind, he can barely remember even the basic rasta shtick. “I think we ought... we ought to... ahm... [inspiration strikes] LOVE... human beings.”

He eventually gets around to business. “How about a small contribution? A penny each.” I give him a quid. He insists on bumping fists with me, and then before I know it he gives me a cheery, stubbly kiss on the cheek. (I wouldn't mind quite so much but it's not the first time I've been ambushed with a kiss off a tramp. Buchanan Street bus station in Glasgow at Hogmanay; the bugger wasn't even asking for money, just happy to be celebrating the time of year. Some people have the kind of face that the opposite sex finds attractive, some the kind that mysteriously invites ageing strangers to tell them all about their offspring's most intimate operations. None of that shit for me; no, my speciality is apparently being a tramp magnet.)

But the highlight of this brief encounter (depending on how excited you got about the stubbly kiss) was when he thought for a minute and then solemnly announced: “You should all vote... Liberal Democrat.” I asked him to repeat it, as I presumed I'd misheard. There was no doubt, though. “Liberal Democrat,” he said earnestly. “You should all vote LibDem.” I suppose what with the local elections coming up they're taking on all the staff they can get.

Comments

( 5 comments — Leave a comment )
internetsdairy
May. 2nd, 2006 11:13 am (UTC)
You do have kissable cheeks, webofevil. I cannot tell a lie.

Never forget you attract free lapdances from scary drunk Balham women, too.
ex_cornfedpi814
May. 2nd, 2006 11:27 am (UTC)
So it works on all sort of tramps? He'll be getting a kiss from a pasta eating dog soon.
offensive_mango
May. 2nd, 2006 11:28 am (UTC)
Yes, but do they give you presents?
lowlowprices
May. 2nd, 2006 12:43 pm (UTC)
He's got all the hallmarks of a Lib Dem: a penny on income tax, poor public speaking, bland appeals to sentiment, weak jokes, &c.
monkeyssk8
May. 2nd, 2006 05:52 pm (UTC)
chh huh...can I have a pound? And if I ask for a pound, will you give me a tenner?
( 5 comments — Leave a comment )

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