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TIP: An effective and reasonably compassionate mouse-dispatching scheme is to carefully place the trapped mouse in a plastic bag, wrap that plastic bag inside a few others, put the lot into a binbag, and then drop a very heavy weight onto it (several times, just to be sure). The mouse is calmed by the pitch darkness, and then never knows what has hit it; what's more, you don't have to view—or, more importantly, mop up—the results.

It just so happened that, at the time when I improvised this technique, the nearest heavy flat object happened to be a hardback copy of the Quran. Already a hefty tome in its own right, this particular edition contains not only the Arabic text but also a page-by-page English translation. It's the Quran TWICE. It does more damage from a height of four feet than an entire patio's worth of concrete from three storeys up, and it's the holy word of God. Truly it is a weapon of mouse destruction.*

Incidentally, the Quran states that everything that happens is the will of God. Nothing could happen that He Himself has not decreed. Consequently the mouse/book interface was clearly earmarked aeons in advance. So before someone yells "blasphemer" and the fatwas flood in, just consider that attacking me for implementing God's design would itself be bringing blasphemy to a whole new level.

* This joke is available for after-dinner speeches at reasonable rates.

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